


Measure up

by Craftybadger1234



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Blow Jobs, Boys Will Be Boys, Competition, Crack Treated Seriously, Don't copy to another site, Humor, M/M, Penis Measuring, Post-Watford (Simon Snow)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:54:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26697829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Craftybadger1234/pseuds/Craftybadger1234
Summary: Simon *needs* to measure Baz's dick. For reasons.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 27
Kudos: 109





	Measure up

**Author's Note:**

> This was not how I imagined my first CO fic to go... and yet, here we are.
> 
> This evolved over the course of roughly 24 hours from a six sentence snippet I wrote after misunderstanding someone's mention of Baz measuring Simon. It was for a suit, not dicks, but dicks are way funnier.
> 
> Thanks to sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire for beta and for bringing me to CO in the first place. You're hilarious and I love your enthusiasm! And even though she isn't in this fandom, I have to thank my HP beta Cleo b/c she's helped me for years with Britishisms and spelling and I'm nervous to branch out on my own here and I just always think "what would Cleo say about this bit of writing?"
> 
> So here we go... Baz and Simon post Watford, living their adult lives...

"How was the move?" Baz asks as soon as I get home.

Basilton Grimm-Pitch, the lucky tosser, got out of helping his cousin Dev move to a new flat with his boyfriend Niall by citing "work at my real, paying job." I'd call him a liar, given how he's reclining on the sofa exactly as when I left a few hours ago, but I have other issues on my mind.

"To make a long story short, we need to throw out the blue silicone dildo, and also I need to measure your dick."

He slowly blinks at me a few times, then sits up and drops his book on the coffee table. “I’m afraid I’m going to need to hear the long story.”

“Right, so I’m carrying this box up the millionth flight of stairs,” I begin, and Baz rolls his eyes. I suspect the stairs are what prevented him from helping. No matter how many spells you use to lighten the weight of the boxes, you still have to climb the stairs. “And Niall says, that’s for the bedroom and I trip over another box and… out of my box spills every single sex toy they own.”

Baz’s eyebrows rise, but that’s the only reaction. 

“Did you hear me? Every. Single. One. I was carrying them! Up the stairs! And Niall, the utter wanker, just let me. Probably thought it was hilarious. Anyway… they have the same blue one we have, and now it has negative connotations and I can no longer use it.”

“But you love the blue one!” Baz whines.

“Not anymore.”

That earns me an eye roll, but at least he seems to be paying attention. He sighs at me. “And the… measuring?”

“Yeah, so then Niall... and again, utter wanker… picks up this ugly purple one and he says, ‘I know it looks big, but I can handle it.’ And then he fucking _leans in_ with a grin and says, ‘Dev’s easily twenty centimetres.’” I cross my arms, expecting Baz, who is so fucking brilliant, to connect the dots from there.

But he doesn’t. He just blinks at me.

“And so I need to be measured because…” He trails off, looking at me expectantly.

“Because we can’t let those two _utter wankers_ win! They’ve scarred me for life, the least I can do is cause a scar of my own.” I cross to Baz’s desk in the corner of the sitting room and rummage around until I find a ruler. I turn and hold it up triumphantly. “Take off your jeans so I can get you hard.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Baz yells, jumping to his feet and backing away. His hands are up to ward me off. “You can’t be serious!”

“Of course I’m serious! We can’t let them _win_. Please, Baz… this is really important to me!” I widen my eyes and give him the sad puppy look that always melts his heart. “You can’t let Niall think Dev is bigger than you!” I clutch the ruler with mad desperation.

“You’re not going to stop until I give in, are you?”

I shake my head and know I have him when his shoulders droop in resignation.

“Fine,” he sighs as he unfastens his jeans. “But you better make it worth my while.”

“I need you as hard as you can get! How is that not worth your while?”

He rolls his eyes at me again as he kicks his jeans and pants off. “Well? Get over here and suck me.”

“Fuck, I love it when you say shit like that.”

Half a second later I’m on my knees in front of Baz, right there in our sitting room. He’s already hardening in anticipation, and I give his dick a long lick to encourage it. He runs his fingers through my curls and hums in appreciation.

This part should be easy. Driving Baz mad, holding him at the brink, is something I’m well practiced at. For all that words still trip me up sometimes, this is a task my tongue is always ready for. I circle the head, and suck gently. I take him as deep as I can manage, never as much as I’d like but all that I can from this position. Should I open my jeans and play along? No, not this time. I have to be ready with the ruler.

“Ah, Snow, you are so, so good to me,” he sighs softly. Sometimes he closes his eyes, to savour the sensations more, but right now he’s taking in every detail. His pupils dilate until only a thin ring of silver is left. 

When he starts to roll his hips against me and groans in _that way_ , I know he’s close. I pop off and wipe my lips clean of saliva. “Wait,” I say, searching the floor for the ruler. “Let me…”

“Too late,” he growls, pumping his cock with one hand and grabbing my hair with the other. “ _Fuck yes_ ,” he moans. And then immediately after, “Open up. Now.”

Automatically my mouth opens at the command I’ve heard more times than I can count. Before it even registers what’s happening, his come streaks across my tongue and chin. My cock throbs in some weird Pavlovian response to the taste. 

“Simon, my dearest, you are so beautiful.” He gives my mouth a cursory swipe of his hand and then pulls me up into a deep kiss. Usually I would look forward to Baz returning the favour but today…

Today was not about fun or reciprocity.

I shove him so he stumbles back a few steps. Grinning, of course. “Basilton, you prick! You ruined it!”

“Did I?” he asks slyly, yanking off his t-shirt and throwing it at me. He _should_ look utterly ridiculous in just a pair of socks, but with the way my blood rushes through my veins, he looks nothing short of delectable. 

He runs his hand over the noticeable bulge in my jeans. “ _Or_... did I take the edge off so we can _really_ play?”

Picking up the ruler, he saunters off to the bedroom, arse jiggling with each step. I’m already pulling my shirt off to follow.

“Shake your wings out,” he calls from down the hall. “I get harder when you look like you.”

Closing my eyes, I imagine my wings and feel the magic slide off them. My tail wriggles into view as I shimmy out of my jeans.

While we’re at it, we should measure me too. Fuck knows I’m hard enough right now.

\--------

Baz thinks I should wait until it comes up in normal conversation but I don’t want to risk it never coming up in normal conversation. Sure, we may joke about dick size, but it’s not cool to mention _specifics_. So definitely have to bring it up.

And Niall’s birthday party is the perfect time. If I had to throw out my favourite blue dildo, he can have a shit time on his birthday knowing he’s fucking around with the smaller Grimm dick.

I fucking _love_ winning.

Niall sneaks away to the kitchen to replenish a tray of sausage rolls. _Perfect_. I follow along, trying not to glare at his friend Sally-Anne that thinks she also needs to help. “I’ve got it,” I say, gently guiding her back to the party. As Niall and I fill the tray, I gather as much nonchalance as I can muster and say, “So we measured.”

“Measured?”

“Yeah, you know… you said Dev was twenty centimetres, remember? I guess it made me curious.”

He pauses, his face shifting into confused horror. I take it all in, determined to remember with as much vivid detail as possible to share with Baz later. “You can’t be serious,” Niall says quietly.

“Oh I absolutely am. I’m seventeen, which... I heard that fifteen was the average so… not bad I guess.” His mouth opens and closes a few times, but I don’t pause to let him ruin my moment. “Baz, though, was just about twenty-three centimetres so… Yeah.” I fail to hide my grin, partly because I know I’ve won this game, but also because I had all twenty-three centimetres up my arse just before we came to this stupid party.

The sausage roll falls out of Niall’s hand. “Holy fucking hell. You - you actually _measured_?!”

“Yeah… you said you two had and it sounded like fun. Honestly, for all the smack we talk, it never occurred to me until you said _you_ did.”

“I was - it was… just a guess. He’s really twenty-three centimetres?” 

“Yeah…” My grin widens, now that his ‘twenty centimetres’ sounds more like boasting. “Sorry about your luck, I guess.” I pluck a sausage roll from the tray and eat it in one bite. “I’ll take this tray out for you.” I give him a sympathetic pat on the back on my way out.

Baz shakes his head at me as I set the tray on the coffee table and join him by the sitting room windows. We laugh when Niall frantically searches the room for Dev and they have a heated whispered conversation. And best of all, both of them are frowning.

Baz squeezes my arse and whispers, “I fucking love winning.”

**Author's Note:**

> To save anyone from having to google the measurements…
> 
> I didn’t actually look it up, but I heard somewhere at some point that 6 in/15 cm is average penis size. I put Simon at 6 ¾ in/17 cm, and Baz at 9 in/23 cm. Oh Simon, you lucky, lucky boy.
> 
> \--------
> 
> Also, I'm posting six sentence stories during 2021 and wrote a follow-up with Dev and Niall that you can find here - 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/28481805/chapters/71452869


End file.
